When Sandra Deakman’s parents started to need more care than was available at their independent living facility in Santee, she decided it was time for them to come live with her and her husband, Dave.
The Deakmans sold their Point Loma home and found a house in El Cajon that would comfortably accommodate them and her mother and father, Virginia and Gerald Burke, both in their 80s.
“I’m so glad they are there,” she said. “I couldn’t have the solid peace of mind I have if they were somewhere else.”
The Deakmans and Burkes are among a growing segment of the population who are opting to live together in multigenerational households. According to a 2016 report by Pew Research Center, 60.6 million Americans are now living with two or more adult generations under one roof. That’s 19 percent of the population – almost as much as in 1950, when 21 percent of the population lived in multigenerational homes.
And while living with extended family is the cultural norm among many ethnic groups, the increase in multigenerational living in the United States can be seen across the board. From 2009 to 2016, the number of multigenerational Asian families increased from 26 to 28 percent, Hispanic families from 23 to 25 percent, black families from 24 to 25 percent and white families from 13 to 15 percent.
Many multigenerational homes are young adults living with their parents for financial reasons, but “one of the driving factors is caregiving,” said Donna Butts, executive director of Generations United, an advocacy group for intergenerational collaboration based in Washington, D.C. “When it comes to caregiving, older adults are living longer, they are outliving their retirement.”
For Deakman, the decision was partly financial and partly because she wanted to give back the love and care she had from her parents. The hardest part, she said, was turning the tables and becoming the one who is in charge.
“They need you to be decision maker and the leader,” Deakman said. “That was the hardest part, knowing that I am the parent now. They want to be in control, but they don’t have ability.”
When the Burkes first moved in last July, Deakman, who is the youngest of 10 siblings, thought she could handle the caregiving on her own. (Most of her siblings are scattered across the country.) With a demanding job heading a department in a construction company, she soon realized the task was too much for her alone.
“I tried it on my own, but I got resentful very fast because I was exhausted. I wanted to meet all their needs, but physically and mentally I could not,” she said. “I love my parents too much. I didn’t sign up for it so I could have those types of negative feelings.”
Deakman now has in-home help from Home Instead Senior Care.
Before setting up a multigenerational home, it is important for everyone to know their limits and their expectations, from finances to household chores.
“Before you even talk about the living space, the family needs to take a moment and talk about what it is going to mean. How is it going to affect all the people involved?” said Jessica Empeño, vice president of programs and services at Alzheimer’s San Diego. She is also speaking from experience, having cared for her parents at her home for six months while her father was ill. They will soon be back because his health conditions have not been resolved.
“It totally changes the dynamics of a home,” said Empeño, whose children were 10 and 12 when her parents stayed last year. “It’s 24/7. When I have both parents and kids, I can’t go home and put my feet up. Someone needs something.”
But, she said, it was also nice to have the extra help around the house and having her kids get to know their grandparents on a different level.
Donna Butts said it’s also an opportunity for children to hear the family story, “to get a strong connection with their roots and family history.”
One of keys to successful multigenerational living, Butts said, is having space for time together and time alone. And it seems some residential builders have taken heed, designing homes geared toward extended families.
In 2011, Lennar Homes started selling its first NexGen homes, with private suites that include a separate entrance, a bedroom, bathroom and kitchenette. A number of San Diego builders are now offering homes with spaces geared directly toward an extended family member or with flexible space that can be used for a private living area.
Lennar’s multigenerational home is “one of our most popular floorplans and has been increasingly popular among homebuyers. We have had so much great feedback and have homeowners tell us it changed their life,” said Jeremy Parness, Lennar’s Southern California division president.
Deakman said it has taught her how to focus on what’s important.
“There’s a lot of laughter in my house; always having the house full,” Deakman said. “It’s made the transition to empty nester a lot more comfortable (her teenage sons live with their father in Ohio). I get to see my mother’s face light up when my roses bloom.”
Tips for multigenerational households
• Discuss expectations and responsibilities with everyone involved before deciding on the move. Make sure all parties know their financial responsibilities, especially if you are buying a home together. Create a list of family ground rules that everyone can agree on.
• Make sure the home works for everyone. Build in space for alone time – even if it’s just a comfortable chair in the bedroom to read a book or watch a movie. Add safety features such as grab bars and non-slip flooring.
• Get family members who are not part of the household involved. Are there siblings who can give rides to appointments, pay bills or provide respite care?
• Include all able bodies in chores. Find something that each family member can do, if possible. Even frail loved ones appreciate being needed, even if it’s folding socks.
• Expect a few bumps. No matter how much you love them, not everything will go smoothly – especially if you’re expecting a shift in personality and habits.
Martina Schimitschek is a San Diego freelance writer.
